Let me first start by saying. I'm speechless. 
I will try to find the words.

I'm overwhelmed.

Grateful.

Humbled.

Happy.

And excited beyond belief.

Our first baby is on the way. It feels so surreal, and I'll tell you why...

This hasn't been an easy journey for us (okay mostly me...).

 It's been years now trying to make this happen, and I can't believe it's finally here. 

After supposed miscarriages, ovarian cysts rupturing, several trips to the ER, 

and being told possible miscarriages would be in store in the future... 

having babies looked like a scary road for us to travel. 

Needless to say, starting a family for us hasn't been as easy as pie. 

If it were that easy, let's just say we would be like a bagillion pounds by now.

 It also hasn't been something that we have often publicly shared. 

Sure if someone asked, we would tell...

but besides that, we felt it best not to burden others with our heartache or sorrows. 

I guess I just want to say that although it was THE most difficult trial I have yet endured in my life, 

I can honestly say, looking back on it now...

 I wouldn't change a thing. 

We all go through our own challenges and heartaches that shape us and change us.

For me infertility was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face.

It forced me to grow and stretch my faith.

It humbled me.

So many tears were shed and so many nights spent on my knees.

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant...

Simply put, there was so much peace and love in my in my heart.

Obviously those feelings were for the baby...but also out of pure gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father.

Tears build up as I write this.

It was a gratitude unlike I had ever felt or experienced before.

After I got pregnant one of my fears was that I would forget.

I didn't want to forget all that I had learned through this trial.

I didn't want to experience pregnancy as if I had never struggled getting pregnant.

I wanted it to be different.

I hope that I remain changed.

I hope that I can continue to be a little more grateful...

a little more happy...

a little more in awe...

a little more sensitive...

a little more embracing of the experience...

and a little more humble.

I know I am no where near perfect... not even close,

but I am so grateful for the perspective infertility gave me.

I don't want to lose it. 

Looking back on the experience now, I am realizing that the Lord's timing is perfect.

Even if things don't come immediately, He is still aware of you...He is still blessing you.

I know that there are others who continue to struggle with the trial of infertility.

I want you to know that I love you very much and pray for you often.

I hope with all my heart that you read this and don't feel the pain.

But rather, I genuinely long for this news to give you hope.

Waiting for the Stork

Most definitely a lot has happened to Brett and I since our last anniversary.

Brett completed his internship with Deloitte and was offered a job.

We have begun to make preparations to move to Phoenix next summer. 

We are approaching our LAST 2 semesters of school (hoo ra)...

This past year has been a whirlwind of opportunities, and gratitude fills out hearts. 

Throughout the course of these exciting opportunities, we have continued to try to expand our family. 

This journey hasn't been the easiest for us (okay mostly for me...).

Brett and I felt pretty quickly after being married that we were supposed to start a family. 

It's been 2 years now trying to make this happen. 

After a miscarriage, several trips to the ER, 

and being told that it could take up to 7 more years for us to have a family,

 we have been faced with a number of emotions. 

Heartache.

Confusion.

Exhaustion.

I guess we can just say, for us it has been no walk in the park.

We do lots of those. Walks that is. 

And if it were that easy, we would have like a billion children by now.

Normally, I am not one to share my feelings about infertility. 

It is a trial that I like to hold close to home and only discuss with those closest to me.

I hate to appear weak. I hate to burden others with feelings of pain. 

So for all you silent sufferers (and I know you are out there),

and my dear friends that I know have been struggling as well, 

I hope with all of my heart that you read this and know that you are loved. 

My goal in writing this is to let you know you are not alone--- 

and that you are SO important to your Heavenly Father. 

There are those of you who ARE that lucky out there. 

Whose husbands seemingly only have to wink at you, and bam....pregnant. 

For the longest time, that was always the hardest part for me. 

Feeling left in the dust.

Feeling inadequate and unable. 

Watching everyone I know welcome beautiful bundles covered in peach fuzz.

Quite honestly.... it is sometimes nearly unbearable. 

Not because I am not thrilled for the new parents... 

but because it is a constant reminder of my trial and the things I am unable to attain. 

Before I proceed, I need to mention one other thing. 

A moment goes out to my stud of a husband. 
I know I talk about him a lot,
 but I seriously couldn't go on day to day if it were not for him.

Brett is truly the MOST level headed individual I have ever known. 

He has always been able to see the bigger picture. 

That man truly has a perspective like no other-- 

it has helped us to both stay perfectly happy and calm along our journey. 

To calm my nerves when I needed it the most. 

I love him,

He will make one heck of a father. 

In the past month, as we have continued to pray, hope and discuss the expansion of our family,

several times the discussion of adoption has been brought up. 

I cannot say that we have not considered adoption prior to this point.

We have. 

But especially lately, I have begun to question if it is something 

our family should begin to prepare more earnestly.

I guess earlier, I would think about adoption in passing. 

Lately, the matter of adoption rests on our minds more frequently.

To be honest, the thought has always scared me a little. 

I consider myself a faithful and determined person.

I almost felt as though if we were to explore other avenues of having children, 

I was a failure. That I was giving up. 

Not to mention, Brett and I have always dreamed of a little look-a-like. 

Would they have dark hair like mine? Or maybe bright blue eyes like their daddy?

There is just something special about a woman's role of bringing her children into the world.

That is a role I have ALWAYS wanted to fill.  

A few weeks back, I had a precious experience that, once again, 

had an impact on my perspective of infertility. 

I was serving in the temple pondering why we have to struggle with infertility.

I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons, some physical, others spiritual.

That day I was helping out at the front of the temple. 

(one of my favorite things to do by far)

I love seeing the joy of people coming to the temple. 

I was especially blessed to greet a small family that morning. 

There is no denying the light that filled their eyes. 

It was a young couple - dressed in white. 

The young father holding a small little boy - dressed in white. 

As the small family asked for some directions, I asked them about their visit. 

The small boy gleamed as he said, 

"Today I get a forever family".

Both parents eyes welled up as they both hugged and kissed that beautiful child. 

I later found out that the family had adopted the small boy from Haiti. 

It was like an answer that I had never expected. 

It came to my mind that one reason for our infertility may be to lead us to consider adoption. 

What a peaceful assurance. 

We do not yet know for certain that we will end up adopting a baby...

but we do know that Heavenly Father has been preparing us for that possibility. 

I have found that one thing that helps me, 

when I am feeling sad about our current situation,  is writing letters. 

Letters to OUR future bundle of joy.

I know it sounds a little cheesey--- think what you want.

I honestly felt a little strange as I first began to jot down these little notes. 

But later, I found it filling me with more hope than sorrow. 

Recently I wrote the following...

To MY sweet little baby,

     It does not matter how you come to us, we will love you just the same.

 I want you to know, that I know, for absolute certain, that Heavenly Father has a plan for you. 

It does not matter how you come to us, because you are still meant to be ours.

 Every morning when I wake, every night before I sleep, 

and a million times in between I pray for you.

 I pray that I will be in tune with the spirit so that 

I might know how to provide the way for you to join our family.

 I pray that you will be healthy

I pray that I can be the kind of mother that Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

I pray for you, because I love you.

I pray that I will get to meet you soon

I know that this our journey is still ongoing-- and probably will be for sometime.

But oh how grateful I am for the knowledge of a kind Heavenly Father who loves me. 

Who showers me with tender mercies and love. 

Who opens a door when i think all hope might be lost. 

I guess my point for writing this all is to say that hope is never lost. 

No infertility trial is the same (that I know), but I ALSO know that we are not forgotten.

That the Lord IS aware of me. He is aware of YOU.

That there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

And although the trial is probably one of the MOST difficult challenges a woman may have to face,

WE ARE BLESSED. 

Hold on. Don't give up. Look for the blessings. 

Because they are there- and they are REAL.

Continue in Patience

Oh how I just love the simple sweet moments I get to spend with Brett. 

This past weekend he came up to visit (only 3 more weeks until he 

finishes his internship and gets to come home... wa hoo!) 

Nothing too extravagant was planned. Just a simple weekend. 

We spent the majority of our time relaxing and laughing together. 

On Saturday, Brett and I had a really simple night. We found ourselves

 sitting at our kitchen counter on Youtube watching Mormon Messages.

 It was a such a good night, and one I will always cherish. 

When we came across this clip, I think it really hit us both. 

I think in everyone's lives, at one point or another, we feel we are being

 tested. We must be patient in order to withstand pain, difficulties, tribulations, 

heartache, and grief... but let's face it, sometimes patience can be easier

 said than done.  I couldn't help but tear up, as I listened to to an apostle of the 

Lord promise specific blessings to those who are faithful and patient in enduring.

 I was reminded that Heavenly Father is always aware of us. 

He knows us, and we are never forgotten. 

After watching the clip, I was touched to turn and see Brett welling

 up just as much as me. I think it was a reminder to us both that we need to

 continue in patience and trust in the Lord's plan and timetable.

 It was a reminder that patience is more than just waiting around... 

it is about "actively working toward worthwhile goals" It's about not 

getting discouraged when results don't immediately show up. 

It was a reminder of how much we have grown in the past year and a half as 

we have learned to push through adversary and challenges. 

Oh how I love these simple moments that I get to share with Brett....

moments where I get to see the Lord's hand in our lives.

"YE SHALL REAP THE REWARDS 

OF YOUR FAITH, DILIGENCE, 

AND PATIENCE..." (Alma 32:45)

A Change of Perspective

Ever since I was a little girl, I have watched and admired my 

mother. I observed her as she nourished and nurtured my younger 

siblings. I noticed how selfless she was and how she always went out 

of her way to make sure our family was happy and safe. 

Every time she talked about one of her children, I noticed how much 

love she had for us...pure and selfless love. 

I have watched my mother, loved her, and desired to be like her. 

Growing up, I have always dreamed of the day that I would get to start

 my own family. I have always talked about how I wanted a big home 

full of children to love. Since being married, Brett and I have been 

thrilled and anxious to expand our family. We were awed by the 

responsibility of parenthood, but at the same time were 

dedicated to be our best.  

For the past 13 months we have prayed, fasted, hoped, planned 

and prepared to increase our family. We have watched others around 

us get pregnant or have children, and become all the more excited for 

the time we would be able to add beautiful children to our home. 

However month after month for the past year, we have gone 

without success. 

While Brett has been steadfast to support me, I must admit, there have 

been times where I have found myself feeling weak and heart-broken. 

I feel very selfish because I know that there are others who 

have been waiting and trying to conceive much longer than we have. 

I look to them as examples of faith and hope. 

As much as I try to be strong, there have been times where I can't help 

but break down from feeling so weak and overwhelmed. 

Month after month, questions seem to enter my mind....

"What am I doing wrong?", "Does Heavenly Father not trust us

with his children?", "When is it going to be our turn?", 

"Is there something wrong with me?", 

"How can Heavenly Father command us to multiply and 

replenish the earth, but then, at the same time, not allow us to do so?", 

"Am I being punished?". 

It is challenge and a trial I am reminded of on a daily basis. 

Some days I am in denial, some days I blame myself, 

some days I ask Heavenly Father, "why me?", 

some days I feel so much heartache and absolutely broken inside. 

In spite of my feelings, I have often found myself on my knees praying 

to Heavenly Father...explaining my desire to be a mother.... 

promising that I would be a better person if I could conceive.

 I would set goals and work to achieve them.... 

trying to be the best I could be so that Heavenly Father 

would trust me to be a mother. At the end of each month of progress, 

my heart would break all over again, when I would realize I wasn't pregnant. 

In the past two months, I have prayed for a 

change of perspective. 

I was seriously blessed at conference. 

I was reminded of the simple fact that 

Heavenly Father loves me so much, and has not forgotten me. 

In my life, it has been so easy to have "faith" in the Savior and 

trust my Heavenly Father when things were going well- 

when things went exactly "according to plan". 

There has been a scripture that has meant more to me

 in the past thirteen months, than it ever has in my life....

"Dispute not because ye see not, 

for ye receive no witness until after 

the trial of your faith..." 

(Ether 12:6).

Growing up, I have learned about faith in primary and young womens...

 I taught it while serving a mission. In the past year I have learned

 more about faith and patience than I ever thought possible.
I have learned that faith is only determined when it is tried. I have learned
that absolute faith and trust is what really matters, especially when things 

don't go according to plan. I have learned that I shouldn't "doubt" 

because I haven't received a certain witness (or blessing) yet.

 It doesn't mean the blessing won't come. 

It doesn't mean that I should feel abandoned or forgotten. 

It just means the trial isn't over yet. 

 It means to hang on. To hold tight. 

It means to learn whatever I can during the trial and to always look 

for the tender mercies in my life.

 It means to be patient, and rely on the Lord's timetable. 

Absolute trust means to have faith when it's easy and when it's not.

 It means to stay on course until the promised blessings come. 

I love this thought and promise from conference-

"Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be,

 you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no 

matter how insignificant your may feel, no matter how overshadowed 

you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. 

In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.... 

He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely... 

If you only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, 

heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow. 

You are destined for more 

than you can possibly imagine. 

Continue to increase in 

faith and personal righteousness."

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I know that Heavenly Father IS aware of me. 

He knows when I feel discouraged. He DOES in fact know the 

desires of my heart... but he also knows my potential for growth. 

He knows that it is only through trials that I will reach my full potential. 

I know that this trial is not over, and that Brett and I will probably 

endure much more time without the possibility of conceiving.... 

but I know that as we trust and believe completely we will have

 the patience to overcome and understand our divine purposes.