Waiting for the Stork

Most definitely a lot has happened to Brett and I since our last anniversary.

Brett completed his internship with Deloitte and was offered a job.

We have begun to make preparations to move to Phoenix next summer. 

We are approaching our LAST 2 semesters of school (hoo ra)...

This past year has been a whirlwind of opportunities, and gratitude fills out hearts. 

Throughout the course of these exciting opportunities, we have continued to try to expand our family. 

This journey hasn't been the easiest for us (okay mostly for me...).

Brett and I felt pretty quickly after being married that we were supposed to start a family. 

It's been 2 years now trying to make this happen. 

After a miscarriage, several trips to the ER, 

and being told that it could take up to 7 more years for us to have a family,

 we have been faced with a number of emotions. 

Heartache.

Confusion.

Exhaustion.

I guess we can just say, for us it has been no walk in the park.

We do lots of those. Walks that is. 

And if it were that easy, we would have like a billion children by now.

Normally, I am not one to share my feelings about infertility. 

It is a trial that I like to hold close to home and only discuss with those closest to me.

I hate to appear weak. I hate to burden others with feelings of pain. 

So for all you silent sufferers (and I know you are out there),

and my dear friends that I know have been struggling as well, 

I hope with all of my heart that you read this and know that you are loved. 

My goal in writing this is to let you know you are not alone--- 

and that you are SO important to your Heavenly Father. 

There are those of you who ARE that lucky out there. 

Whose husbands seemingly only have to wink at you, and bam....pregnant. 

For the longest time, that was always the hardest part for me. 

Feeling left in the dust.

Feeling inadequate and unable. 

Watching everyone I know welcome beautiful bundles covered in peach fuzz.

Quite honestly.... it is sometimes nearly unbearable. 

Not because I am not thrilled for the new parents... 

but because it is a constant reminder of my trial and the things I am unable to attain. 

Before I proceed, I need to mention one other thing. 

A moment goes out to my stud of a husband. 
I know I talk about him a lot,
 but I seriously couldn't go on day to day if it were not for him.

Brett is truly the MOST level headed individual I have ever known. 

He has always been able to see the bigger picture. 

That man truly has a perspective like no other-- 

it has helped us to both stay perfectly happy and calm along our journey. 

To calm my nerves when I needed it the most. 

I love him,

He will make one heck of a father. 

In the past month, as we have continued to pray, hope and discuss the expansion of our family,

several times the discussion of adoption has been brought up. 

I cannot say that we have not considered adoption prior to this point.

We have. 

But especially lately, I have begun to question if it is something 

our family should begin to prepare more earnestly.

I guess earlier, I would think about adoption in passing. 

Lately, the matter of adoption rests on our minds more frequently.

To be honest, the thought has always scared me a little. 

I consider myself a faithful and determined person.

I almost felt as though if we were to explore other avenues of having children, 

I was a failure. That I was giving up. 

Not to mention, Brett and I have always dreamed of a little look-a-like. 

Would they have dark hair like mine? Or maybe bright blue eyes like their daddy?

There is just something special about a woman's role of bringing her children into the world.

That is a role I have ALWAYS wanted to fill.  

A few weeks back, I had a precious experience that, once again, 

had an impact on my perspective of infertility. 

I was serving in the temple pondering why we have to struggle with infertility.

I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons, some physical, others spiritual.

That day I was helping out at the front of the temple. 

(one of my favorite things to do by far)

I love seeing the joy of people coming to the temple. 

I was especially blessed to greet a small family that morning. 

There is no denying the light that filled their eyes. 

It was a young couple - dressed in white. 

The young father holding a small little boy - dressed in white. 

As the small family asked for some directions, I asked them about their visit. 

The small boy gleamed as he said, 

"Today I get a forever family".

Both parents eyes welled up as they both hugged and kissed that beautiful child. 

I later found out that the family had adopted the small boy from Haiti. 

It was like an answer that I had never expected. 

It came to my mind that one reason for our infertility may be to lead us to consider adoption. 

What a peaceful assurance. 

We do not yet know for certain that we will end up adopting a baby...

but we do know that Heavenly Father has been preparing us for that possibility. 

I have found that one thing that helps me, 

when I am feeling sad about our current situation,  is writing letters. 

Letters to OUR future bundle of joy.

I know it sounds a little cheesey--- think what you want.

I honestly felt a little strange as I first began to jot down these little notes. 

But later, I found it filling me with more hope than sorrow. 

Recently I wrote the following...

To MY sweet little baby,

     It does not matter how you come to us, we will love you just the same.

 I want you to know, that I know, for absolute certain, that Heavenly Father has a plan for you. 

It does not matter how you come to us, because you are still meant to be ours.

 Every morning when I wake, every night before I sleep, 

and a million times in between I pray for you.

 I pray that I will be in tune with the spirit so that 

I might know how to provide the way for you to join our family.

 I pray that you will be healthy

I pray that I can be the kind of mother that Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

I pray for you, because I love you.

I pray that I will get to meet you soon

I know that this our journey is still ongoing-- and probably will be for sometime.

But oh how grateful I am for the knowledge of a kind Heavenly Father who loves me. 

Who showers me with tender mercies and love. 

Who opens a door when i think all hope might be lost. 

I guess my point for writing this all is to say that hope is never lost. 

No infertility trial is the same (that I know), but I ALSO know that we are not forgotten.

That the Lord IS aware of me. He is aware of YOU.

That there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

And although the trial is probably one of the MOST difficult challenges a woman may have to face,

WE ARE BLESSED. 

Hold on. Don't give up. Look for the blessings. 

Because they are there- and they are REAL.